Please Stop Now

In a long overdue announcement, the world declared Thursday what most of us have known for a while: "Hobby Cyclists Look Pathetic."

"I don't know how they can't see it?" George Gramby pondered. Gramby is just one of the many millions of motorists who are forced to navigate past the clownish hazards during their daily commute to and from work. "With the spandex shorts and the tight shirts with all the sponsorship logos, you'd think they were competing in the Tour De France." he frustratingly opined.

Surprisingly, most hobby cyclists are blind to the foolish state they put themselves in. "It's a slow, sad progression." Doug Sykes, owner of Dougs Bikes in Atlanta confessed while removing a piece of pants from between a chain and sprocket. "It starts out with a legitimate purchase like a helmet and just goes downhill from there. I know I'm not helping." he confessed after a soul searching pause; a tinge of remorse creeping onto his face.

It's true. A recent study has shown that 87% of cyclists go from wearing normal, acceptable shorts and tee shirts to ridiculously bright spandex outfits in a mere 4 months. "It's a 'Keeping up with the Joneses' kinda thing." Barb Hinton explained. Hinton is a clinical psychologist who studies the odd world of cyclists who pretend they are competing in professional cycling races by dressing up in outfits clearly not designed for the majority of the wearers. "When a cyclist wearing the 'Goofy Suit' speeds past a fellow biker in normal clothing, it can be pretty traumatic." she went on. "We call that 'Beginners Shame' because it isn't long after that initial episode before we see them in the bike shops eyeing and then buying the fantasy clothing."

"But why the sponsorship logos?" I asked her, trying to understand the mentality of such a move. "Honestly, we don't know." Hinton responded. "We're still searching for answers. The closest thing we can equate it to is Nascar jacket wearing' white trash." she concluded.

I tried to flag down a dressed up cyclist to try to gain some perspective, but was quickly met with an overly serious look as she sped by. Later I learned she didn't want to lose position in her pretend race. When I caught up to a normally dressed rider and asked him about stupid garb, he told me, "That'll never be me man." but as he looked down at his wristband heart-rate monitor, I knew it had already begun.

It's New. Again.

Proving that everything old is new again, Nokia unveiled their new Retro 2K cell phone on Saturday night at a star filled launch party in downtown Burbank. Weighing in at a whopping 3 lbs, the Retro 2K promises to take users back to a time when cell phones were a luxury item only the ultra rich and annoying D-bags could afford. "I think we've tapped a whole new market." Bruce Dickinson, head of Nokia's new product development division told me from the parking lot outside the party.

As I admired the handsome leather carrier attached to his belt that held the phone, I asked Bruce why the Retro 2K was only available in white, "We're staying true to the original." Bruce told me before an annoying sound that turned out to be the cell phone pierced the night. When I inquired about his choice of ring tones, Bruce was quick to point out that the new Retro2K had only one ring tone, another part of it's allure. "Excuse me, I have to take this call." Mr. Dickinson said politely as he reached down and undid the 4 snaps on the carrier; a requirement to free the mammoth monster from its resting place. Using 2 hands, he raised the phone to his ear after punching in the 17 digit access code that allowed him to answer the incoming call. I wanted to listen in on his conversation in order to gauge the clarity but as soon as Mr. Dickinson started talking, he began roaming the parking lot in a zig zag like pattern in a doomed attempt to maintain the connection. Thankfully, the person Bruce was talking to was also standing in the parking lot only 200 feet away and they were able to yell back and forth for the remainder of their conversation.

As the stars began to file out, I moved closer to try and get their opinion of the Retro2K. I spotted the woman who played Mrs. Garrett on "The facts of life" but her advanced age, combined with a fear of her catching the swine flu kept me from getting close enough to talk to her. Next there was rock and roll star Rupert Holmes, best known for the pina colada song (escape) but extreme intoxication prevented me from understanding what he was trying to say. As I watched him being rushed away in a 1989 Ford Taurus, I noted the irony and cursed the sweet coconut concoction that both made him marginally rich and led him down a path of self destruction. A pissed off maintenance man appeared and prepared to hose down the driveway and we were asked to move on, bringing the evenings festive mood to a screeching halt.

Look for Nokia's massive add campaign to kick off this summer in a magazine near you. Keeping with the retro theme, there will be no electronic media advertising. With his brainchild successfully weaned and walking, I'm sure Bruce Dickinson has a bright future developing new products that are really old products. "I have some ideas about CD quality cassette tapes." he told me with a wink. I checked the bottom of my shoes for puke.

Dangerous Science

The "Feel The Heat" exhibit at the Science Museum of Alabama was shut down Thursday after yet another child was badly burned while taking part in the interactive display. "I told 'em it was a bad idea when they were putting the damn thing in." Rocky Blythwood, a long time custodian at the museum told me as he and others disassembled the giant working stove top that was supposed to teach kids about the wonders of thermal dynamics. "In hindsight, maybe it was an ill-advised educational tool." Museum coordinator Mary Higgens-Clark said at a press conference held outside of Alabama Regional Burn Unit or A.R.B.U as it is known to pyromaniacs and that quiet weird guy at work.

Others defended the display. Roger Barrett, CEO of Heatwerks Inc. the parent company of Facegrillerz said, "I blame the kids. They go to the museum and get all hopped up on sugar and then get themselves burnt." I asked how the recent rash of incidents would affect plans for the upcoming "World of Bear Traps" exhibit scheduled to open this summer. "We've already sent back the really strong springs that came with the traps." Higgens-Clark was quick to point out, before adding, "There is no reason that any parent should feel the least bit hesitant about bringing their children to the museum."

Now that the giant stove has been turned off and the smell of burning flesh is quickly blending with the smells of cotton candy and cracker jacks, the laughter of children will once again soon be filling the halls of the museum. Laughter.......................and the occasional scream.

Stripper Spreads Her.......Wings.

It was a historic day as Honey Bottoms, a stripper at L.A.'s famous Gentleman's Paradise Club worked her last shift after putting herself through college. "I did what I said I was going to do." Mrs. Bottoms, who's real name is Tammy Prokop, announced to a stunned throng of reporters and regular Joes who thought they had a shot at the 23 year old exotic beauty. "I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised," said strip club manager Vince Di Paglio, "you hear all the time that a girl is working here to put herself through college but you never believe it because they never quit or talk about school." In fact, Honey Bottoms is only the second stripper known to have actually used her talents with a pole to further advance her scholastic endeavors.

The other was Marlene McDohtrey, who in 1957 went on to become Poughkeepsie, New Yorks premier phlebotomist after putting herself through Poughkeepsie Regional Community College by shaking her money maker. Someone asked Honey if she was going to miss the sights and smells of the club she has called her second home for the last 4 years. "The only thing I'm gonna miss about this place is the money!" she yelled back with a tinge of victory in her voice before adding, "I'll miss my co-workers too I guess." When I asked if she'd miss the customers, she was quick to tell me just what she thought of the men who had helped put her through college. "I look at those guys as walking ATM machines, nothing more." As soon as she let her feelings be known, Jack Horner (his real name) widely regarded as Honey Bottoms number one customer, got up from his corner table and walked out into the blinding noon day sun; concerned friends and family have vowed not to give up searching until Jack is found.

The most touching moment of the day came when the two stripping anomalies met face to face. Just as the press conference was about to wrap up, Marlene McDohtrey herself appeared from behind the stained curtain dressed in her stripper outfit that she had not worn in 52 years. There was hardly a dry eye in the house as the two women hugged each other tightly, both recognizing the special bond they shared.

There was an awkward moment when someone yelled, "Let's see you two make out!" The 86year old McDohtrey seemed more than willing but her much younger counter part was a little hesitant. After settling on a quick peck on the cheek, both women disappeared behind the dirty, stained curtain together, leaving the crowd wanting more. Luckily, the next show was in 15 minutes and Candy Kanes was nervously pacing back and forth in the shadows, trying to shake off the first day jitters.

Icon Wipes Himself Clean

A tear came to Bill Borges eyes as he looked at an old photo of himself. Borge, more famously known as the "Brawny Man" has been to the depths of hell and back again. "I didn't care back then," the man in plaid whispered before blowing his nose into the paper towel he created and turned into a multi-million dollar empire, "just look at my hair." Borge was talking about how the addiction that almost robbed him of his super-absorbent soul took over every aspect of his life, including personal hygene. "When your an addict, things like shaving your face and cutting your hair take a back seat to feeding your addiction."

Borge was a lumberjack in the pacific northwest when he had a flash of an idea that would turn into paper towels a short 3 years later. "When you're out there 'jackin at trees, it's pretty common for the guys to use stimulants to help them chop down the really big ones, I was just another one of those guys." For a while he kept his amphetamine use in control and it even helped him to come up with the then-unique concept of two-ply; now an industry standard.

"Yeah, that was all Bill Borge," Bobby Bounty said in an interview conducted over the phone, "there would be no 'Bounty' paper towels if it wasn't for Bill and his failure to patent his two-ply technology. We were on our last leg; our product just wasn't able to compete with a cloth towel."

When I asked Borge about not filing a patent, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "That's a mess I'll never be able to wipe up, not even with a thousand ply's." I reminded him that everything happens for a reason and he seemed to perk up. Clean now for 2 years, I asked him about his plans for the future. "I just take it one sheet at a time." he said with a voice twinged with wisdom gleaned out of near tragedy. "One sheet at a time." So, the next time you're standing in the paper towel aisle of your favorite store, take a little time to search out the Brawny man and give him a thumbs up. People may look at you a little funny but Bill Borge will appreciate it more than you know.

Candy Cannibalism; A Hellish Reality?

Dairy Queen Corporation has a lot of explaining to do after what can only be described as a "Sprinkles Man" was seen stumbling around inside of their fenced in compound that produces both their world famous ice milk and delicious candy toppings. "You're all crazy!" screamed Danny Queen, the great grandson of founder Boyd Queen. When confronted with the photographic evidence, Mr. Queen took a long pull on a straw-full of grape Mister Misty and pinched the bridge of his nose while riding out a self induced brain freeze. He then quickly got into a waiting limousine that whisked him off to an undisclosed location.

"I had my suspicions about Dairy Queen messing with mother nature ever since I saw the chili they used on their chili dogs." Said Brian Redmen, an investigative reporter for "Food Skeptic" magazine. When I asked him what he thought was going on, he was quick to share his theory. "I believe that Dairy Queen is breeding these sprinkles people and then harvesting their body parts to use as delicious toppings. It's a sick real life version of 'Soilant Green' that has got to be stopped." When I asked him to clarify, Mr. Redmen yelled, "The sprinkles are people...people!" channeling the late, great Charlton Heston. When I told him how crazy it all sounded, he grabbed my arm and yelled, "Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape!" I pointed out that he was the one who grabbed my arm and he released me and headed back to the fence to try and get a better look inside.

Investigators have long questioned the extraordinary coincidence of the prized sprinkles being first introduced to a mesmerized public back in 1956, the same year that Dr. Jonas Qwan perfected his genetic splicing machine in a lab deep inside a Colorado mountain side that housed several secret military installations. "Dairy Queen is playing God and the sprinkles man is their Adam." a man who wished to remain anonymous told me before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small bottle of the all too familiar candy toppings. "If you've eaten these, you might as well have eaten your own children!" he screamed at me with a look of terror in his one good eye.

Shaken, I got into my car and headed back to the motel I was staying at while investigating this story. On the way I passed a Dairy Queen, its parking lot full of cars that brought unsuspecting customers. As I drove by, my eyes were drawn to the roof of the restaurant and to all the equipment located there. The angle of the sun caused shadows to bounce off of the cluttered rooftop and form strange shapes and patterns on the equipment. If I didn't know any better, I would swear I saw a man crouching among the shadows.

A sprinkles man? God help us all.

ASSOCIATED PRESS.

Home Improvment

*Let's face it, with the struggling economy we are all looking for ways to stretch our budgets and make the things we do have last as long as possible. This week we have 3 tips to help keep your money in your pocket.

Tip 1: Re-torquing your garbage disposal. Many people don't realize it, but keeping your garbage disposal properly torqued can save a lot of money on your energy bill. It is a quick and easy process that allows this important piece of equipment to run at the ideal speed. Simply stick your hand down the drain and find the disposals blades, once you have them located, make a fist and push down on the blades like you are kneading pizza dough. You want to apply firm but not excessive pressure. Use your free hand to turn on the water. Once your hand is in place and the water is running, give the disposals power switch 3 quick flips. If you've done everything properly the resistance from your hand should have provided enough resistance to re-torque the disposal, extending it's life and saving you money.

Tip 2: Looping your electricity. Forcing all the electrical current to come out of one set of holes from an outlet is like putting your whole house on sleep mode without losing any power. Simply take a paperclip, form it into a C shape, lick the ends and insert it into the top set of holes on the outlet. This forces the electricity to loop around and come out the bottom set of holes, giving you twice the power at half the electrical current. You want both ends of the paperclip to go in at the same time so make sure your face is close to the outlet, that way you will be able to watch and make sure they're evenly inserted.

Tip 3: Budget friendly sushi. If you love sushi but cannot afford the expensive tuna that is required try this money saving tip; substitute pork for tuna. Simply take a pork chop and sear it in a hot pan. The key is to have the pan super hot before you drop the chop into it and to sear each side for only 20 seconds. When both sides have been seared, cut the chop into thin strips and use them as you would use tuna. A delicious, cheap and quick way to enjoy sushi.

While the economy is struggling we will continue to bring you money saving ideas like the ones here. After all that's what it's all about; helping each other out.

*If you try any of these tips you could get hurt, sick or die. It is a sad statement about society that I have to post this disclaimer but that's the way it goes.