Dairy Queen Corporation has a lot of explaining to do after what can only be described as a "Sprinkles Man" was seen stumbling around inside of their fenced in compound that produces both their world famous ice milk and delicious candy toppings. "You're all crazy!" screamed Danny Queen, the great grandson of founder Boyd Queen. When confronted with the photographic evidence, Mr. Queen took a long pull on a straw-full of grape Mister Misty and pinched the bridge of his nose while riding out a self induced brain freeze. He then quickly got into a waiting limousine that whisked him off to an undisclosed location.
"I had my suspicions about Dairy Queen messing with mother nature ever since I saw the chili they used on their chili dogs." Said Brian Redmen, an investigative reporter for "Food Skeptic" magazine. When I asked him what he thought was going on, he was quick to share his theory. "I believe that Dairy Queen is breeding these sprinkles people and then harvesting their body parts to use as delicious toppings. It's a sick real life version of 'Soilant Green' that has got to be stopped." When I asked him to clarify, Mr. Redmen yelled, "The sprinkles are people...people!" channeling the late, great Charlton Heston. When I told him how crazy it all sounded, he grabbed my arm and yelled, "Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape!" I pointed out that he was the one who grabbed my arm and he released me and headed back to the fence to try and get a better look inside.
Investigators have long questioned the extraordinary coincidence of the prized sprinkles being first introduced to a mesmerized public back in 1956, the same year that Dr. Jonas Qwan perfected his genetic splicing machine in a lab deep inside a Colorado mountain side that housed several secret military installations. "Dairy Queen is playing God and the sprinkles man is their Adam." a man who wished to remain anonymous told me before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small bottle of the all too familiar candy toppings. "If you've eaten these, you might as well have eaten your own children!" he screamed at me with a look of terror in his one good eye.
Shaken, I got into my car and headed back to the motel I was staying at while investigating this story. On the way I passed a Dairy Queen, its parking lot full of cars that brought unsuspecting customers. As I drove by, my eyes were drawn to the roof of the restaurant and to all the equipment located there. The angle of the sun caused shadows to bounce off of the cluttered rooftop and form strange shapes and patterns on the equipment. If I didn't know any better, I would swear I saw a man crouching among the shadows.
A sprinkles man? God help us all.
ASSOCIATED PRESS.
"I had my suspicions about Dairy Queen messing with mother nature ever since I saw the chili they used on their chili dogs." Said Brian Redmen, an investigative reporter for "Food Skeptic" magazine. When I asked him what he thought was going on, he was quick to share his theory. "I believe that Dairy Queen is breeding these sprinkles people and then harvesting their body parts to use as delicious toppings. It's a sick real life version of 'Soilant Green' that has got to be stopped." When I asked him to clarify, Mr. Redmen yelled, "The sprinkles are people...people!" channeling the late, great Charlton Heston. When I told him how crazy it all sounded, he grabbed my arm and yelled, "Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape!" I pointed out that he was the one who grabbed my arm and he released me and headed back to the fence to try and get a better look inside.
Investigators have long questioned the extraordinary coincidence of the prized sprinkles being first introduced to a mesmerized public back in 1956, the same year that Dr. Jonas Qwan perfected his genetic splicing machine in a lab deep inside a Colorado mountain side that housed several secret military installations. "Dairy Queen is playing God and the sprinkles man is their Adam." a man who wished to remain anonymous told me before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small bottle of the all too familiar candy toppings. "If you've eaten these, you might as well have eaten your own children!" he screamed at me with a look of terror in his one good eye.
Shaken, I got into my car and headed back to the motel I was staying at while investigating this story. On the way I passed a Dairy Queen, its parking lot full of cars that brought unsuspecting customers. As I drove by, my eyes were drawn to the roof of the restaurant and to all the equipment located there. The angle of the sun caused shadows to bounce off of the cluttered rooftop and form strange shapes and patterns on the equipment. If I didn't know any better, I would swear I saw a man crouching among the shadows.
A sprinkles man? God help us all.
ASSOCIATED PRESS.
1 comment:
Very funny!
PS Can I get a copy of the pink ice cream cone pic!
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