Collectable Plates Good for Holding Food

The Franklin Mint, makers of commemorative plates, figurines and snow globes, admitted Thursday that its "Average Joe" line of collectible plates, hasn't increased in value and probably never will.

The plates were first introduced in 1979 as part of their "Tribute to America" series. There were 49 plates released, one for every state, except New Jersey. The first plate released featured Bob Anderson of Appleton, WI; you probably wouldn't know him. And ended with the plate of Sue Nelson of Fort Wayne, IN being delivered by mail to Agnes Sarcussi of Brooklyn, NY. Neither person is someone you would have any reason to know.

Surprisingly, when we visited Miss Sarcussi, she had all 49 plates plus the bonus "Our Gang" plate proudly displayed on her dining room wall. "Who the hell are these people?" asked Agnes' long suffering husband Tony, "I've been staring at these damn plates forever, I'm done with it!" Defeated, Tony sulked off to the kitchen and popped open a can of Schlitz before heading into the den to watch "Wheel of Fortune."

When asked if she read the fine print where it clearly stated that the plates, "May or may not increase in value." Mrs. Sarcussi answered, "It seemed like such a sure thing. The nice man on the phone told me they were a much better investment than gold."

Using the original packing slip and the internet, we were able to track down the salesman from 1979, a man named Don Tarsco. I reached Mr. Tarsco at his home in Sunnyside Acres, a retirement community on the outskirts of Des Moines, Ia. A pleasant man, I asked Don Tarsco what he could tell me about The Franklin Mint and their collectible plates. "The damn chicken pot pies are all stuffed with dark meat!" The seemingly confused, former plate pusher yelled at me through the phone. When I tried to explain that I was doing a story on collectible plates, he cut me off mid-sentence, yelling, "I know you've been snooping around my tool shed!" getting nowhere, I said goodbye to the senile salesman and told Mrs. Sarcussi to hang in there with the plates. "Oh I will, they've become like members of my family," she said as she wiped the plate of Stewert Rolley from Portland, Or before adding, "Stewert's such a nice boy."

Taking that as my signal to leave, I poked my head into the den and bid farewell to Tony, who was yelling, "Buy a vowel ya' dumb broad!" at a television set that had clearly seen better days. As I stepped outside and into the fresh air, the smell of old peoples' house was quickly washed away.

Little did I know it would soon return tenfold when I arrived to check the status of Donna Lee Mitchner and point out the tiny "not legal tender" on her New York Mint commemorative coins.

"The olden days sucked." Deerborn man warns anyone who will listen.

It's official, Ted Carver of Deerborn Michigan has just returned from the worst weekend ever. Still shaking, Ted recalled his long ordeal at a Vermont bed and breakfast. "It was a nightmare of Victorian proportions," he said as he poured a tall drink in an attempt to ease his anguish. "No TV, weird food and nothing around for 35 miles." When asked why he wanted to go to such a hellish place, he started to shake his head at which point Kim, his wife of 4 years yelled, "Just stop Ted!" Giving further credence to the theory that all bed and breakfast trips are planned by wives of men who have no clue about what they're getting into. The horror of the weekend had obviously sunk its teeth deep into the previously untarnished marriage. When a reporter questioned whether Ted might be embellishing his story, he produced a photograph of the staff dressed in full period costumes. An audible gasp went through the room as 2 reporters were seen stumbling towards the exit. Another was heard mumbling about having to call his girlfriend as she'd booked something similar. "Run!" Ted screamed at the ashen newsman, "And pray that there's still time!" There was a tense moment when Ted reached down and picked up a brochure from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio. "That's where I wanted to go," the shell shocked vacationer said. "They have Jimi Hendrixs' guitar in there." The mood was quickly shattered when, from the kitchen, a pan was heard to be thrown hard into the sink. "Hendrix!" Ted screamed in the direction of the noise. Kim returned to the room and kindly asked the assembled to, "Please leave her house." her facial expression not matching her pleasant tone. As we all left, I couldn't help but feel pity for the poor man with the recent scars on his psyche. "There but for the grace of God go I," I whispered to myself. "There but for the grace of God go I."

Legendary Rocker Confesses "I'm a Virgin."

The shockwaves are still being felt all over the rock world as Mick Jagger, legendary front man for The Rolling Stones admitted on Tuesday that he has never had sex.

"It's all a lie." He told reporters who asked him about his well known love life. Soon after breaking down Jagger, 65 told the shocked press assembled outside his Dirbyshire estate about the invitro fertalizations and his shyness around women saying, "It's not that I don't like women I do, love 'em in fact. It's just that whenever I'm alone with a girl, I get really nervous and my hands start to sweat real bad. Well, you know, after your hands start sweating things get all screwed up." He then added, "I wasn't trying to keep it a secret, you guys just assumed."

Nigel Blackbush of BBC 1 asked the now less-cool singer if his virgin status also applied to men. "Heck yeah, that's gross!" The Grammy winning strike out king shot back.

Rock pundits are now left to question and re-think everything they thought they had known. "I have real concerns about Elvis Costello now." Admitted Earl Fisk, owner of "The Treble Cleff" a small music shop in the countryside town of Blabberbreath.

As Jagger turned his back to the weirded out throng and started up his driveway, a few snickers could be heard among the crowd.

When I got back to my hotel I showered before heading down to the local pub. Once inside, I set my sights on a hot little brunette sitting all alone at the corner of the bar. I raised my pint and gave her a smile.

"This ones for Mick," I said to myself as she smiled back at me. "This ones for Mick."

Coleman/Franken Will Let Their Cocks Do The Talking.

Spokesmen for Norm Coleman and Al Franken announced on Friday that the two senate candidates have agreed to settle their dispute with a cock fight.

Rusty Griswold, spokesman for Norm Coleman said allowing the trained roosters to, "Battle 'till the death, or at least until either Coleman or Franken steps in and calls the fight." was the, "Fairest way possible." to settle the ongoing battle for the only remaining senate seat from last falls election. Franken spokesman, Stan Goetz added, "We believe we will emerge victorious, our boy doesn't f*** around." referring to their prized rooster, Pico who recently resumed training in Minneapolis after being brought up from Yucatan, Mexico. Griswold was quick to counter, "We feel after you see Diablo you will be addressing all of your letters, Dear senator Coleman." referring to the mammoth rooster from the Coleman camp who has signed up to fight for the republican ticket.

Diablo's trainer, Hector Ruiz said, "We don't need no stinkin' handouts, Diablo will do it on his own." showing the republican streak that runs through the whole Coleman cock camp. Meanwhile, as if right on cue over at the Franken training facility, Pico injured his beak during a mid-morning sparring session, once again opening up the debate on universal health care coverage. "When Al is your senator, he will make it a priorty to ensure that all animal athletes' injuries are covered." Goetz proudly announced, referring to the Lethargic Animals Mending Effortlessly act, or L.A.M.E, which is the bill that Franken authored while waiting for the recount of absentee ballets.

The fight, which will be made legal for one night only, got the blessings of animal rights group PETA. "I have to admit, I'm a little bit excited!" giggled PETA spokeswoman Gretechen Halverson. The fight which is scheduled for May 28th on Pay Per View, is expected to be 2nd in the all time money making category for the cable/satellite channel, behind Wrestle mania 63.

Grim reminder of 80's remains in Allentown

Evidently not realising that the guitar-synthesizer has been lame from the time it first came out in the mid 80's, Carl Bruchberg of Allentown Pa. is the last known person to actually play the "instrument" in public. "It makes me look pretty cool." Bruchburg announced, clueless to the snickering going on around him. "I heard of another guy somewhere in Texas who played one until 1997, I guess he couldn't hang with the big dog." Bruchburg said in total seriousness.

Bruchburg was referring to Tom Blake, an Austin TX native who had a 'Flock of Seagulls' cover band for an inappropriate amount of time. Blake refused all interviews, instead sending an email that stated "Those were very dark times in my life. I apologize to anyone I may have hurt through my use of the synth-guitar or by me playing that horrible,horrible music." When I asked Bruchburg where he got his passion to play the guitar-synth, he broke into the theme from Miami Vice and yelled, "The same place Crockett and Tubbs got their passion for cleaning up Miami!" The Members Only jacket wearing uber nerd was referring to the 80's crime show that featured synthesizers prominently in its soundtrack.

As the unholy sounds continued to radiate from a small amplifier on the ground, a passer by threw change into a hat. "This is to stop! For Gods sake we have a baby!" the angry man yelled before briskly walking away with his wife and screaming child. "Could DaVinci not paint?" Bruchberg asked me as he added a little electronic pitch bend to the last string of notes he was playing.

I looked down at the page of questions I had yet to ask, "Well, I think I'm done here." I told the pseudo musician, not wanting to risk having to endure another "performance." As I shook his hand, I looked him right in the eye and lied, "Thanks Carl, it's been fun." "I'm here every Tuesday and Thursday weather permitting." he reminded me as I turned to leave. "I'll be back." I said, no longer able to look him in the eye.

As I was walking away, the opening notes of "Cars" by 80's super creep Gary Neuman began to fill the air. "You got out just in time." I said to myself.

Others weren't so lucky.

McDonalds admits "Special Sauce" leak goes high and deep.

McDonalds headquarters is in lock down as it tries to stop the leak of its secret sauce formula before it goes viral.

"We've got our own little 24 going on here." Admitted Joe Bigsby, referring to the popular TV show starring Kiefer Sutherland that airs on FOX. Bigsby, who oversees the vast lab where the secret sauce is produced admitted there is at least one rouge agent inside Sauce Lab.

"It's always in the back of your mind." He told reporters gathered in the McDonalds briefing room. "You just pray it doesn't happen on your watch. Well gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that its happened." When asked how high up the leak went, Bigsby deferred to Ralph Alvarez who is head of McDonalds' intelligence operations and a former military special ops agent. "All the way." Alvarez growled.

Special sauce, which was first developed during W.W.II as a radiation burn cream, has been quietly accepted as the reason for McDonalds world wide success ever since they tweaked the formula after finding it written on a french fry bag in the abandoned locker of one of their employees back in 1952. "Right now we're looking at everybody as though they have sauce on their face." Alvarez said with a look that let everyone know just how serious he was. Also at the press conference was Jeff Bittner, who is McDonalds official special sauce taste tester. Bittner was there to reassure a panicky public that he will be going around to all non-McDonalds restaurants to "Ensure that the integrity of our product hasn't been compromised."

When asked to put it in simple terms Bittner whispered, "If I taste special sauce anywhere but on a Big Mac, you better bring in the body bags."

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Preacher goes from Praise The Lord to Plays The Floyd

Jim Bakker, disgraced televangelist and former head of PTL ministries is singing a new tune with Australian Pink Floyd.

As a member of the 18 person horn section Bakker, 62 helps to recreate the sounds of one of the most popular bands in the world. "I've always loved performing, and I've always loved Pink Floyd." said the now long-haired Bakker. "I remember going back to my dressing room between tapings of PTL." he continued, "I would listen to 'Animals' to get pumped up for the next show."

Animals was Pink Floyd's classic 1977 album that introduced the world to 'Pig', their floating mascot of sorts.

Bakker said he learned to play the french horn while he was in prison for fraud.

In 1987 Bakker was convicted of stealing funds that were being collected for a PTL theme park. "Yeah, my cell mate Iggy turned me on to the power of the brass." the transformed preacher said during our interview, which was being conducted while the band was in Prague for a 2 week engagement. When asked if he thought he was too old to rock, a mellow, grinning Baker responded, "Hell no. I'm the same age as David Gilmore bro."

At that point a stunning young girl came from the bar area and sat on Bakkers knee. "This is Connie," he said with a wink. "She ain't no Tammy is she?" he asked with a wry grin that was spread from ear to ear. We all erupted in spontaneous laughter. Jim was referring to his former wife Tammy Faye Bakker, famous for her ghoulish clown makeup, who died of rectal cancer last year.

As high fives were being exchanged, the call came for sound check. "I'll put you on the list for the after party." he told me.

It's only rock and roll but I like it.

REUTERS NEWS AGENCY.

Fame Comes at High Cost for Rodeo Star.

At a press conference on Thursday, Whiplash the cowboy monkey said he was an addict and that he was entering rehab immediately.

Speaking through Sparky "Sparkler" Timmons, a well respected 'Monkey Whisperer' and longtime friend of Whiplash, he went on to describe how life on the road and an old back injury from a fall off a dog led to his dependence on alcohol and prescription pain killers.

Whiplash, whose hair looked matted, sat on the podium and chained smoked Marlboro's throughout the 12 minute press conference, pooping once. "I want to say I'm sorry to The Worlds Toughest Rodeo, I feel I let them down." Whiplash monkey-shrieked and Timmons translated. When asked about returning to the rodeo or TV, Whiplashs' agent Ron Rosenbaum said "The only thing we're concerned about right now is getting Whiplash healthy."

There were some tense moments towards the end of the press conference when Taco John got out of a limousine just feet from the assembled news media. Taco John, who gave Whiplash his start in the entertainment business by casting him in commercials for his restaurants, has admitted to giving the then unknown monkey powerful pain killers to help calm his nerves on the set.

"He was careful not to make eye contact." Buzz Greely said of John. Greely was there covering the event for "The Monkey Rustler" the oldest independent magazine for monkey rustlers and ropers.

Immediately after the press conference Whiplash climbed onto, on top of and then into a waiting helicopter that took him to the undisclosed rehab facility.

"It's ironic isn't it?" said Wendy Nash, "He could rope and wrangle everything but his addictions."

Music Man Bets On The Past.

Danny "The Ear" Mossett, most famous for being the record man who passed on the Beatles back in 1962, says he's sticking with his VCR.

"It's a more reliable technology." he said from his home outside of Boca Raton Florida. We caught up with a frustrated Danny, who was transferring all of his DVDs to video cassettes. "You can't buy the damn things anymore!" Mr. Mossett griped, referring to movies on video cassette. "Hell, it's almost impossible to find the damn blanks anywhere nowadays." he added with a sigh.

When asked why he went through all the trouble of converting movies to tape he answered, "I just have a hunch, the trend is going to turn back that way." Danny's hunches haven't always been correct. When we reminded him that his record company, Union Leader Records passed on four unknown lads from Liverpool, leaving them to be snatched up by rival company Capitol, Mr. Mossett was incredulous. "Dirty hippies," he answered. "Dambed dirty hippies."

Danny, who still looks good at 88 was quick to point out that he did discover acts such as "Lou Crisco from San Francisco", "Little Robin Poorboy" and most famously "Nadine Stiff and the Limp Hoses."

I asked "The Ear" what he thought of ipod and mp3 advancments. "I don't get involved in religous debates." he snapped, "There's still a lot of excavating to be done over there."

As I left, I couldn't help but think, "I just shook the hand of the man who refused to shake hands with the Beatles."

Beloved host charged with animal hoarding.

Burbank Ca. Alex Trebek, the popular host of the long running tv quiz show Jeapordy, is being charged with the hoarding of more than 139 cats.

Trebek, 59 watched as the Burbank chapter of the A.S.P.C.A removed the furry felines from the basement of his mothers home in which he has lived his whole life. His mother Agnes Trebek, 87 said she had voiced her concerns to her son numerous times but he told her that he felt it was his duty to out-do Bob Barker.

Barker, a big animal rights advocate, is the recently retired host of "The Price is Right" which is generally accepted as Jeapordy's biggest rival.

As animal control officers tried to question a very angry Trebek, he was heard to repeatedly shout, "What is an outrage!" a reference to the answer/question format of the show he hosts. "I'm glad Merv Griffin isn't around to see this." said a producer who was called to the scene to try and calm Trebek down.

A neighbor, Benny Ruiz said he thought he smelled the faint oder of cat urine whenever he drove by the quaint 4 bedroom rambler. "You gotta keep them boxes clean." he said as he waived his hand below his nose in the universal "Stinky" gesture.

There are no immediate plans to replace Trebek on the show but the producers have said they will keep all cat related topics off the quiz board until "Mr. Trebek has undergone grief counseling to deal with the loss of all his cats."

Trebek was allowed to keep one cat identified only as Mr. Bonkers. "He wants to have them all back under one roof by summer." His attorney, Allen Friedman was quoted as saying before adding, "I think we have a pretty good shot."

Associated Press

Private citizen Bush gets his free Grand Slam

After camping outside the Crawford Texas Denny's for more than 17 hours, former president George W. Bush received his free Grand Slam breakfast on Wednesday. A Crawford resident snapped a photo of the 43rd president as he waited for the diner to open. "Somebody should have told him it was a 24 hour restaurant," Said Ronny Bender, an unemployed drifter who winters in Crawford. "but we all wanted to see how long he'd stand there like that." "It got sorta sad," commented night cook Hector Camacho "every hour I'd go out for a smoke and he'd just be standing there. He looked pretty hungry." Denny's manager Ross Dentner added, "I'm not sure what he was thinking, there were people inside eating." When he finally did enter, the former president sat down at a table occupied by the Murphy family. "He said he was thirsty and asked if he could have a drink of water, I told him it was still a free country...barely." Mike Murphy said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "Then he dipped a napkin into the glass of water and washed his armpits before slamming the water in about 3 gulps." "It wasn't appropriate behavior at the table." Sue Murphy blurted out as she reached for her husbands hand. "Not at all." Mike agreed. A photo was taken moments before the incident which shows Mikes' daughter Anne with a big smile on her face. "That smile faded pretty quickly." Mike told reporters, his fists slightly clenching. When his meal arrived, Bush picked up a bacon strip, turned to the people in the booth behind him and made a bacon mustache. "The only one laughing was George," an unidentified patron noted, "it was pretty awkward." The Murphy family said they had an appointment and left 43 on his own in the booth. "We lied." Mike stated with no remorse. "It was just getting too weird for us." After finishing his meal, the former president asked for a refill of chocolate milk and then walked out into the day. "Here we go again," said a lifelong Crawford resident "here we go again." ASSOCIATED PRESS.

"We may need to rethink things." admits Fantastic Sam

Can hair feel pain? According to startling new research the answer is a definite yes. "Not only does hair feel pain, we've captured their faint screams on the latest generation of digital recorders." said a visibly shaken Mike Norton, who heads up the research department for the Center of Previously Unknown Sentient Things, or C.O.P.U.S.T as it's better known. "I feel just awful." Mike said as he brushed his ever growing bangs away from his eyes. "It puts me... well, us in a very delicate situation." As we talked from inside a coffee shop, a young gentleman walked in sporting a "high and tight" and I watched as Mr. Norton grew visibly upset. "You see that kid over there?" he asked as he slammed his cup of joe onto the table. "That kid is a sadistic son of a bitch and he doesn't even know it!" his voice quivering at the thought of the young mans hair screaming in pain as it gently drifted to the ground. "That's what makes it so hard." he whispered with a blank look on his face. "What's that?" I asked, leaning in to hear. "The fact that it takes them so long to hit the ground, they have time to think about it. If you or I jump, it's over in a second." "Yeah, I guess you're right." I said "And if the hair should catch some wind..." I stopped myself. "Oh god, I need some air." Mike gasped as he got up and headed for the door. I followed him outside, he was clearly upset. "I'm gonna have to reschedule this interview." Mike told me as he started back towards C.O.P.U.S.T's laboratories. As I watched him walk away I reached up and plucked a hair from my head. I got nothing.

Genetic engineering reaches new milestone.

Research scientists in Brussels have cloned their first "Frankenstein" a living, breathing dragon. The three inch hybrid of four different types of DNA was created in late November, government sources close to the project admitted Tuesday. DNA, also known as the building blocks of life was taken from a bat, lizard, komodo dragon and surprisingly...an owl to create the first living creature of lore in over eight thousand years. "Once we injected the DNA into the Owl's unfertilized egg, all we could do was sit back and wait." said Fritz Drouber, the scientist who led the history making team of life creators. "You could hear a pin drop as the egg started to crack." stated Sarah Katz, the only American scientist on the eight person team. "We were all holding our breath, it was very exiting." Within three hours the tiny creature was flying around its 8' x 8' screened in cage. "Much like a butterfly, it's wings had to dry." commented a team member who wished to remain anonymous. "The only problem we encountered was a slight burn to one of our team members' fingers." Drouber stated, "it seems that dragons really can breathe fire, that was a pleasant surprise." The team is remaining tight lipped about their current project but while celebrating at a local pub a member of the team leaned over and told me "If we're not extremely careful with our latest baby, Jurassic Park will look like a Sunday drive in the countryside." I got the feeling he wasn't joking. Associated Press.