It's New. Again.

Proving that everything old is new again, Nokia unveiled their new Retro 2K cell phone on Saturday night at a star filled launch party in downtown Burbank. Weighing in at a whopping 3 lbs, the Retro 2K promises to take users back to a time when cell phones were a luxury item only the ultra rich and annoying D-bags could afford. "I think we've tapped a whole new market." Bruce Dickinson, head of Nokia's new product development division told me from the parking lot outside the party.

As I admired the handsome leather carrier attached to his belt that held the phone, I asked Bruce why the Retro 2K was only available in white, "We're staying true to the original." Bruce told me before an annoying sound that turned out to be the cell phone pierced the night. When I inquired about his choice of ring tones, Bruce was quick to point out that the new Retro2K had only one ring tone, another part of it's allure. "Excuse me, I have to take this call." Mr. Dickinson said politely as he reached down and undid the 4 snaps on the carrier; a requirement to free the mammoth monster from its resting place. Using 2 hands, he raised the phone to his ear after punching in the 17 digit access code that allowed him to answer the incoming call. I wanted to listen in on his conversation in order to gauge the clarity but as soon as Mr. Dickinson started talking, he began roaming the parking lot in a zig zag like pattern in a doomed attempt to maintain the connection. Thankfully, the person Bruce was talking to was also standing in the parking lot only 200 feet away and they were able to yell back and forth for the remainder of their conversation.

As the stars began to file out, I moved closer to try and get their opinion of the Retro2K. I spotted the woman who played Mrs. Garrett on "The facts of life" but her advanced age, combined with a fear of her catching the swine flu kept me from getting close enough to talk to her. Next there was rock and roll star Rupert Holmes, best known for the pina colada song (escape) but extreme intoxication prevented me from understanding what he was trying to say. As I watched him being rushed away in a 1989 Ford Taurus, I noted the irony and cursed the sweet coconut concoction that both made him marginally rich and led him down a path of self destruction. A pissed off maintenance man appeared and prepared to hose down the driveway and we were asked to move on, bringing the evenings festive mood to a screeching halt.

Look for Nokia's massive add campaign to kick off this summer in a magazine near you. Keeping with the retro theme, there will be no electronic media advertising. With his brainchild successfully weaned and walking, I'm sure Bruce Dickinson has a bright future developing new products that are really old products. "I have some ideas about CD quality cassette tapes." he told me with a wink. I checked the bottom of my shoes for puke.

Dangerous Science

The "Feel The Heat" exhibit at the Science Museum of Alabama was shut down Thursday after yet another child was badly burned while taking part in the interactive display. "I told 'em it was a bad idea when they were putting the damn thing in." Rocky Blythwood, a long time custodian at the museum told me as he and others disassembled the giant working stove top that was supposed to teach kids about the wonders of thermal dynamics. "In hindsight, maybe it was an ill-advised educational tool." Museum coordinator Mary Higgens-Clark said at a press conference held outside of Alabama Regional Burn Unit or A.R.B.U as it is known to pyromaniacs and that quiet weird guy at work.

Others defended the display. Roger Barrett, CEO of Heatwerks Inc. the parent company of Facegrillerz said, "I blame the kids. They go to the museum and get all hopped up on sugar and then get themselves burnt." I asked how the recent rash of incidents would affect plans for the upcoming "World of Bear Traps" exhibit scheduled to open this summer. "We've already sent back the really strong springs that came with the traps." Higgens-Clark was quick to point out, before adding, "There is no reason that any parent should feel the least bit hesitant about bringing their children to the museum."

Now that the giant stove has been turned off and the smell of burning flesh is quickly blending with the smells of cotton candy and cracker jacks, the laughter of children will once again soon be filling the halls of the museum. Laughter.......................and the occasional scream.

Stripper Spreads Her.......Wings.

It was a historic day as Honey Bottoms, a stripper at L.A.'s famous Gentleman's Paradise Club worked her last shift after putting herself through college. "I did what I said I was going to do." Mrs. Bottoms, who's real name is Tammy Prokop, announced to a stunned throng of reporters and regular Joes who thought they had a shot at the 23 year old exotic beauty. "I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised," said strip club manager Vince Di Paglio, "you hear all the time that a girl is working here to put herself through college but you never believe it because they never quit or talk about school." In fact, Honey Bottoms is only the second stripper known to have actually used her talents with a pole to further advance her scholastic endeavors.

The other was Marlene McDohtrey, who in 1957 went on to become Poughkeepsie, New Yorks premier phlebotomist after putting herself through Poughkeepsie Regional Community College by shaking her money maker. Someone asked Honey if she was going to miss the sights and smells of the club she has called her second home for the last 4 years. "The only thing I'm gonna miss about this place is the money!" she yelled back with a tinge of victory in her voice before adding, "I'll miss my co-workers too I guess." When I asked if she'd miss the customers, she was quick to tell me just what she thought of the men who had helped put her through college. "I look at those guys as walking ATM machines, nothing more." As soon as she let her feelings be known, Jack Horner (his real name) widely regarded as Honey Bottoms number one customer, got up from his corner table and walked out into the blinding noon day sun; concerned friends and family have vowed not to give up searching until Jack is found.

The most touching moment of the day came when the two stripping anomalies met face to face. Just as the press conference was about to wrap up, Marlene McDohtrey herself appeared from behind the stained curtain dressed in her stripper outfit that she had not worn in 52 years. There was hardly a dry eye in the house as the two women hugged each other tightly, both recognizing the special bond they shared.

There was an awkward moment when someone yelled, "Let's see you two make out!" The 86year old McDohtrey seemed more than willing but her much younger counter part was a little hesitant. After settling on a quick peck on the cheek, both women disappeared behind the dirty, stained curtain together, leaving the crowd wanting more. Luckily, the next show was in 15 minutes and Candy Kanes was nervously pacing back and forth in the shadows, trying to shake off the first day jitters.

Icon Wipes Himself Clean

A tear came to Bill Borges eyes as he looked at an old photo of himself. Borge, more famously known as the "Brawny Man" has been to the depths of hell and back again. "I didn't care back then," the man in plaid whispered before blowing his nose into the paper towel he created and turned into a multi-million dollar empire, "just look at my hair." Borge was talking about how the addiction that almost robbed him of his super-absorbent soul took over every aspect of his life, including personal hygene. "When your an addict, things like shaving your face and cutting your hair take a back seat to feeding your addiction."

Borge was a lumberjack in the pacific northwest when he had a flash of an idea that would turn into paper towels a short 3 years later. "When you're out there 'jackin at trees, it's pretty common for the guys to use stimulants to help them chop down the really big ones, I was just another one of those guys." For a while he kept his amphetamine use in control and it even helped him to come up with the then-unique concept of two-ply; now an industry standard.

"Yeah, that was all Bill Borge," Bobby Bounty said in an interview conducted over the phone, "there would be no 'Bounty' paper towels if it wasn't for Bill and his failure to patent his two-ply technology. We were on our last leg; our product just wasn't able to compete with a cloth towel."

When I asked Borge about not filing a patent, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "That's a mess I'll never be able to wipe up, not even with a thousand ply's." I reminded him that everything happens for a reason and he seemed to perk up. Clean now for 2 years, I asked him about his plans for the future. "I just take it one sheet at a time." he said with a voice twinged with wisdom gleaned out of near tragedy. "One sheet at a time." So, the next time you're standing in the paper towel aisle of your favorite store, take a little time to search out the Brawny man and give him a thumbs up. People may look at you a little funny but Bill Borge will appreciate it more than you know.