Please Stop Now

In a long overdue announcement, the world declared Thursday what most of us have known for a while: "Hobby Cyclists Look Pathetic."

"I don't know how they can't see it?" George Gramby pondered. Gramby is just one of the many millions of motorists who are forced to navigate past the clownish hazards during their daily commute to and from work. "With the spandex shorts and the tight shirts with all the sponsorship logos, you'd think they were competing in the Tour De France." he frustratingly opined.

Surprisingly, most hobby cyclists are blind to the foolish state they put themselves in. "It's a slow, sad progression." Doug Sykes, owner of Dougs Bikes in Atlanta confessed while removing a piece of pants from between a chain and sprocket. "It starts out with a legitimate purchase like a helmet and just goes downhill from there. I know I'm not helping." he confessed after a soul searching pause; a tinge of remorse creeping onto his face.

It's true. A recent study has shown that 87% of cyclists go from wearing normal, acceptable shorts and tee shirts to ridiculously bright spandex outfits in a mere 4 months. "It's a 'Keeping up with the Joneses' kinda thing." Barb Hinton explained. Hinton is a clinical psychologist who studies the odd world of cyclists who pretend they are competing in professional cycling races by dressing up in outfits clearly not designed for the majority of the wearers. "When a cyclist wearing the 'Goofy Suit' speeds past a fellow biker in normal clothing, it can be pretty traumatic." she went on. "We call that 'Beginners Shame' because it isn't long after that initial episode before we see them in the bike shops eyeing and then buying the fantasy clothing."

"But why the sponsorship logos?" I asked her, trying to understand the mentality of such a move. "Honestly, we don't know." Hinton responded. "We're still searching for answers. The closest thing we can equate it to is Nascar jacket wearing' white trash." she concluded.

I tried to flag down a dressed up cyclist to try to gain some perspective, but was quickly met with an overly serious look as she sped by. Later I learned she didn't want to lose position in her pretend race. When I caught up to a normally dressed rider and asked him about stupid garb, he told me, "That'll never be me man." but as he looked down at his wristband heart-rate monitor, I knew it had already begun.