Home Improvment

*Let's face it, with the struggling economy we are all looking for ways to stretch our budgets and make the things we do have last as long as possible. This week we have 3 tips to help keep your money in your pocket.

Tip 1: Re-torquing your garbage disposal. Many people don't realize it, but keeping your garbage disposal properly torqued can save a lot of money on your energy bill. It is a quick and easy process that allows this important piece of equipment to run at the ideal speed. Simply stick your hand down the drain and find the disposals blades, once you have them located, make a fist and push down on the blades like you are kneading pizza dough. You want to apply firm but not excessive pressure. Use your free hand to turn on the water. Once your hand is in place and the water is running, give the disposals power switch 3 quick flips. If you've done everything properly the resistance from your hand should have provided enough resistance to re-torque the disposal, extending it's life and saving you money.

Tip 2: Looping your electricity. Forcing all the electrical current to come out of one set of holes from an outlet is like putting your whole house on sleep mode without losing any power. Simply take a paperclip, form it into a C shape, lick the ends and insert it into the top set of holes on the outlet. This forces the electricity to loop around and come out the bottom set of holes, giving you twice the power at half the electrical current. You want both ends of the paperclip to go in at the same time so make sure your face is close to the outlet, that way you will be able to watch and make sure they're evenly inserted.

Tip 3: Budget friendly sushi. If you love sushi but cannot afford the expensive tuna that is required try this money saving tip; substitute pork for tuna. Simply take a pork chop and sear it in a hot pan. The key is to have the pan super hot before you drop the chop into it and to sear each side for only 20 seconds. When both sides have been seared, cut the chop into thin strips and use them as you would use tuna. A delicious, cheap and quick way to enjoy sushi.

While the economy is struggling we will continue to bring you money saving ideas like the ones here. After all that's what it's all about; helping each other out.

*If you try any of these tips you could get hurt, sick or die. It is a sad statement about society that I have to post this disclaimer but that's the way it goes.

New Research Raises Questions

Researchers were shocked to discover that the Food Pyramid found on every box of dried goods sold throughout the US was nothing but an ordinary everyday triangle. "I'm pretty pissed off about it," Smart shopper Dottie North steamed from the cracker isle before adding, "This is what happens when you put your trust in the government."

The discovery was made at the prestigious Center of Basic Shapes, located in Boulder Colorado. "One of our researchers, Gil Crooner was staying late on the evening of Jan. 12 working on the age old problem of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole when he took a break and had a snack of cheese and crackers. While he was eating, he put the box of crackers under the magnifying glass and there it was, staring him in the face like a bull in a china shop." Dr. Stanley Eddy, president of the 82 year old Center told me via web cam adding, "It was a special night for Gil, not only did he make the discovery, he also found a wonderful recipe for a sour cream spinach dip."

When I asked Dr. Eddy what the ramifications of the pyramid to triangle paradigm shift meant, he paused a long time and seemingly chose his words carefully before speaking. "This is huge, we always thought our knowledge of nutrition was handed down from the ancient Egyptians. We now realize that the whole damn thing is just a scam invented by the grain industry." I asked him what can be done about it. "Nothing. Just keep living your life," he told me, "If you give up, they win." I pointed out that it wasn't really something people were going to lose sleep over. "Yeah, I guess your right," he added, "just email the USDA and tell them to rename it I guess."

Growing suspicious, I asked the good doctor about the Centers source of funding. As soon as I did, Dr. Eddy reached for his computer and started shaking it. "I'm losing my connection here." the obviously lying Dr. spoke into the web cam. Before I had a chance to tell him that I could see him messing with the wires he was gone.

Lottery Winners' Girlfriend Takes Him Back.

Standing in front of the large crowd at Megabucks headquarters, lottery winner Tim Blotz says he feels like he has won two lotteries this week. "This is just the icing on the cake." Blotz said while staring into the eyes of his formerly estranged girlfriend, Carrie Stromburg. A smiling Stromburg grabbed Blotzs' hand and gave it a tender kiss as he held the giant check for 37,000,000 with his other hand. "I didn't even know he won," Mrs. Stromburg said as she looked straight down at the ground, "I was just driving by and I noticed Tims car in the parking lot. I've been wanting to take him back for about a week now...way before he won all this stupid money." she gushed. "I believe her." Blotz said, quietly choking back tears.

When someone asked about the shady looking guy standing at the back of the room, Carrie Stromburg was quick to answer, almost too quick. "That's a mechanic, he came along to listen to my car; it's making a funny noise." she blurted out between nervous bites of fingernail. "You can say goodbye to that old junker now, just tell me what you want." Blotz told her before adding, "Sorry buddy, she won't need your services any more."

As he got up and left, we were all left to ponder the meaning of the shit eating grin on the mechanics face. "It was nice to meet you! Thanks for taking the time to listen to my car." Carrie yelled at the mysterious man as he walked out into the parking lot where he lurked before cupping his hands around his eyes and peered back inside the window every so often.

When asked how he was going to celebrate his sudden good fortune, the money man looked at his newly returned girlfriend and winked before reciting the old standby "If the vans a rockin'......." To which Stromburg responded, "We'll see how it goes baby, I feel a migraine coming on."

As I was leaving lottery headquarters, I spotted the mechanic between two cars and asked him if he could take a look at my serpentine belt and tell me if it looked worn. He agreed and I popped my hood. "Let's see here." he said, reaching for my battery terminals. I asked him to stop when I saw he was obviously clueless when it came to foreign cars. At that moment the reunited couple emerged from the building hand in hand, followed by a throng of onlookers.

Before getting into separate cars, Carrie Stromburg embraced her man; while doing so she looked straight at the grease monkey and made the universal sign for "Call Me" fashioning her thumb and pinky into a hand-phone. "Love you." she mouthed softly in mystery mechanics direction. "I love you too." Tim Blotz mistakenly responded.

Love was definitely in the air.

Babies Trading Pacifiers for Pints

On Monday doctors at the Mayo Clinic reported a troubling new trend: Beer drinking babies. "We've seen a steady increase in the number of babies coming in that are showing a dependence on alcohol." stated Dr. Gregory Ross, head of chemical dependency treatment at the Rochester, Mn hospital. "At first we just saw 'em being brought in by their parents on Friday and Saturday nights, now it's every day of the week." he added.

Baby psycologist Peggy Crowmen isn't surprised, "Babies have problems just like the rest of us." she said, "In fact between teething, not being able to effectivly communicate your needs and desires and pooping your pants, it can become pretty easy to want to dull your senses."

When asked how the babies are getting the alcohol, Dr. Ross said matter of factly, "Let's face it, if somebody wants something bad enough, their gonna get it."

As if to drive home his point, a 23 month old identified only as Lance, crawled through the automatic sliding doors of the hospital with puke running down the front of his shirt and a bottle of Grolsch in his hand. "See what I mean?" Ross asked the shaken reporters who watched in slience as the baby passed out on top of a pile of old "People" magizines.

When someone asked Dr. Ross about Budweisers new "Ernie the Big Blue Puppy" beer, he became furious. "It's a blatent attempt to cash in on this growing and disturbing trend." he said with a look of hate in his eyes, "I plan on filing a lawsuit on behalf of the parents and all the beer drinking babies everywhere."

If the lawyers need someone to testify on behalf of the hospital, this reporter will gladly give his testimony as to what I saw that day.

The images of the drunken, beer drinking baby will never leave me.

ASSOCIATED PRESS

All 12 concept restaurants to close by end of March

Sod holdings, the parent company of T.G.I Friday's, says it is closing all 12 of it's T.G.I Monday's spin off restaurants. The restaurants were being test marketed in various locations throughout the pacific northwest as well as Gallup, New Mexico.

"It didn't catch on like we'd hoped." confessed Richard Amway, Sod holdings' frustrated head of marketing and new franchise development. "It turns out recreating the vibe of Monday morning isn't something the dining public is looking for at this time." he added.

The new concept restaurant was plagued with problems from the very beginning. From asking customers to fill out a time card and punch in before they could proceed past the entry vestibule to the alarm clocks at each table/cubicle set to go off every 8 minutes, it seems like the whole idea of a work place restaurant wasn't very well thought out.

Food critic Michelle Forshay shared her experiences with the short lived restaurant with us. Here is her review as she told it to me.

"Well, after punching in and being led to my table, which was a desk inside a brown cubicle, I was handed a stack of papers and told to go over them. Each item on the menu was on separate piece of paper, there must have been 100 sheets to deal with, it was a nightmare. The last 2 pages were excel spreadsheets with charts and graphs. You were supposed to use them to coordinate your toppings and side items." Mrs. Forshay stopped, dug around her purse for some ibuprofen and swallowed them without water before continuing. "It was hard to concentrate, to figure out what I wanted for an appetizer with the alarm clock going off every few minutes, I just wanted to go home and crawl back in bed." Then she added, "After I entered my order into the computer, I was paged to the cafeteria section of the restaurant and given my employee number to get my appetizer out of the vending machine. When I slid the window back on my order I noticed that the inside of the holding area was filthy, just like a real work place cafeteria microwave, I have to say that was an authentic touch. Just as I was sitting down to eat, a fire drill was announced and we all had to leave the restaurant in an orderly fashion. When I got back to my table/desk/workspace, half of my appetizer was eaten. I can't prove it, but I think it was the maintenance guy Donny." Michelle theorized. "When I called over a supervisor/waitress, she told me I would have to take it up with Bob in Human Resources, and that the time frame for ordering the main course had been pushed back indefinitely." At this point I could see that Michelle was clearly stressed from reliving her Monday/dining experience. I told her to take a deep breath and go on. "Well, Bob was in a meeting," she continued. "So I went back and cleaned out my desk. I was so mad I forgot to punch out when I left, not that it makes a difference since it's not real any way."

After hearing Mrs. Forshay's nightmare of a Monday which was actually a Thursday evening, I could see why the idea never caught on. "Our next venture will be much better." Richard Amway assured me. "Without giving too much away, I'll just tell you we're combining an outdoor patio lunch experience with a dental visit."

Bring your own novocaine.